???
i don't really know what to title this one. that's why there's question marks for the title.
i think i'm having mental hunger rather than binge urges and that's scaring me. i feel like i'm out of control. maybe i'm anticipating that today's the day everything comes crashing down and i'll binge and just give up. i think that plays a huge part of my anxiety.
i'm trying to get rid/kill my past self. so i won't give in to temptation.
god. i just hope by the end of the summer i'll be back to where i was last time. i miss my lowest weight terribly.
i used to sign off with a blueberry emoji but i've gotten lazy. i'm typing these out on my laptop. i know it literally takes an extra 20 seconds to look up the blueberry emoji on a different tab and then paste it at the end, but i don't wanna do it anymore. lol.
i wish i was someone else every day. i don't feel at peace in this body or with who i am anymore. it's not even the angry, deep-seated hatred. it's just that lingering of sadness knowing that i've changed for the worse. i'm not gonna get any better. and even if i did, i'll lose everything i have that makes me "interesting". it's a lose-lose situation, clearly.
i don't deserve any of my friends. i don't deserve my family. i don't deserve my boyfriend. all the bad outweigh the good. i will never understand what they see in me. they really shouldn't bother with someone like me, yet they do.
man idfk this is stupid as hell.