it's over
my therapist got sick so i wasn't able to have therapy today. bummer.
i had a terrible week. i don't think it's just me. i feel like all of my friends are feeling it too.
i don't know what to do with myself. i don't like the feeling of giving up, but i don't see the point in trying. imposter syndrome is my next akin. is this what i have to do? lose myself first before i understand who i am. that's bullshit. i know it's bullshit. it's all just bullshit.
i don't know what i'm gonna do anymore. i'm only okay for a good month or two, then it's back to the same old. being neurotic might be the only interesting thing about me. keeps people going back for more. will she (kill herself)? or will she not? ultimately, i end up not doing anything anyway, but the thought is there. lingering.
no wonder why i turned to him. i don't want anyone to see me like this. i don't know. or maybe i do know why. i just can't admit it to myself. i don't want to think about it anymore. i want to get over it. i want to get over him. i know i was wrong. i'll carry this burden with me just like the rest of my wrongdoings, i just want to stop thinking about it. i know i'm a shitty person, but can i just have my peace of mind.
but it's like i've said. i'm meant to be depressed. it was written that way. being happy is just not for me. it never was.
i have nothing and no one to blame but myself.