life update
my boyfriend and i were able to talk things out.
i did cut him off for like, a day. i couldn't do it anymore. the day of my fucking calc final. i couldn't focus. woke up that day at 11am. had my final around 1pm. we continued to argue. i was done.
before we had our talk, it felt like i couldn't recognize the person i was dating anymore. nothing i did was doing anything to please him or make him happy. my feelings for him dwindled severely. and i felt like such an asshole.
i mean, i know i wasn't perfect either. i too was also really fucking depressed. but he just, couldn't lock the fuck in. it was so frustrating. he just wasn't doing anything to help himself anymore. i was exhausted.
so i cut him off on everything.
what made me reconnect with him was that he left me a voicemail. i cried after listening to it.
the next day, we talked. i told him how i felt. he said he was glad that i did what i did because it made him realize that what he was doing was terrible. i guess it gave him the needed wakeup call.
everything happened so quickly after that. i finished finals (passed with all a's, by the grace of god). i moved out of my dorm. i still have to unpack all of my stuff...
our relationship now is different. i know it's different. but i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. i see him differently, but i'm sure he sees me differently, too (whether he wants to admit it or not). i know that the both of us are trying to change and be better. it's just super hard.
i think i'm still quite a bit affected by everything that happened to me during the spring semester. i was struggling mentally. it wasn't just my boyfriend giving me shit, but there was also school, dealing with my friend group, and my own personal problems. i'm glad everything's over, but i think i just need to give myself time to process and heal from everything.
it's hard for me to actually accept that my boyfriend is actively trying to change for the better. i still get scared when i tell him i'm hanging out with other people, or when i don't respond fast enough. he reassures me that he's not mad. and i feel like it's not fair to assume that about him anymore. i think half of it is on him since before he would genuinely get upset, but half of it is on me because my anxiety is just making everything worse.
i guess i'm slightly hopeful? i dunno. honestly, i'm still really unhappy with myself, but i'm doing things to change.