no hope
i haven't even written anything yet, but i already know i sound whiny. all of my posts are just me complaining. i know i should be doing things to make myself feel better, but at this point in my life i genuinely feel so stuck. i can't do anything. like i've said before, i'm stuck in a cycle. i've tried so many times to get out, but i inevitably end up failing. i'm tired of it all. i wish i was gone.
i know i'm in deep shit because i started watching porn again. i notice that whenever i feel super terrible i masturbate because it feels good. then i go back to feeling miserable. i was so bored i jerked off like, 6 times. actually, half of it was due to boredom, but i was also feeling really depressed. lol. it was that, or i cut myself. so i chose the former.
i don't think i'm ever gonna get out of this hole. that's ok. i really wish i was dead, but for some reason i'm not. i'm a failure at everything. i want to get super drunk. at least one last time before the semester ends. nothing has ever made me happier than being drunk. i wish my ex-friend wasn't such a douchebag. he was my alcohol plug for a good few weeks. i've asked around, but to no avail. maybe this is a sign from god telling me to stay sober. i'm gonna try asking one last person. i know she likes me, but i dunno if she fucks with me like that, y'know. i mean, i'll never know unless i ask. so. best outcome is that she agrees and i get my needed alcohol (soju). but if she says no then i'm not gonna be mad at her. i'm just gonna cut myself or whatever, just so i can feel something.
anyway, so i'm also struggling with staying clean. did you guys know that i was 3 years clean from self-harm. but then i got really fucking depressed and had to ruin everything because i suck at everything apparently. i'm such a waste. it's only a matter of time before i relapse. and it's only a matter of time when my boyfriend sees my scars and gets disappointed in me. why he's still with me i have no idea. i feel like such a black hole.
happiness is a fleeting emotion. i only feel it for a short period of time before it's replaced by that feeling of sadness. i'm not supposed to be happy. that's not me. i'm comfortable with feeling down and depressed.
i did absolutely nothing today. i did no schoolwork and i feel even worse about myself. i smell disgusting. i feel gross. i can't do shit. what the fuck is wrong with me. is this even real. god i need a fucking drink.
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