sigh
i think i'm having a binge urge? i'm not quite sure. all i know is that my brain is going 100mph and i don't know what to do to make it stop.
i'm trying to find something to latch onto. something that'll captivate my attention just for a few minutes so that i can feel less shitty about myself. by now i probably would've given into the binge urge and ate something. but i guess i know better.
my mom said i seem happier now that i've stopped overeating. to an extent that's true. i feel more in control and more focused on other things. but i still really hate the way that i look. that part never changed.
maybe i'm just meant to be a miserable person regardless of what i do. if i'm gonna be miserable, at least i need to look good. i need to look thin and skinny. i can't believe i ruined all of my progress during the semester just for some crappy junk food. i hope i die.
i tried drawing but i'm terribly art blocked. i lied to my friend earlier saying i was sick. i should've told the truth, which was that i just wasn't feel up to it. my mental has been really bad. slightly better, but still bad. i told my other friend that part, but the real reason was that i don't want anyone to see me until i've lost the weight i've gained. i don't care if that's stupid, but i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. no one fucking look at me until i'm pretty again. i wasted all of my potential.
i'm gonna spend most of the summer hating myself like last summer. whatever. at least by the end of it, i'll be skinnier. hopefully. i fucking hope so.